How to Handle Difficult Children

​METHODS
1Assessing the Problem
2Staying Calm
3Finding a Solution

Dealing with a difficult child can be one of the hardest things to handle in life. Whether it is your child or the child of a friend or relative, knowing how to deal with a difficult child can be very tricky. It's important to remember that during conflicts, emotions will be especially high. So you might consider making a plan to deal with issues before they even occur. There are many steps you can take to make dealing with a difficult child easier.

Method1
Assessing the Problem

1
Understand the child's temperament. Different children have different personalities. When dealing with a difficult child, it is important to understand what type of child you are dealing with. Is he stubborn? Destructive? Overly emotional? Pay attention to the child's moods, and try to track the factors that seem to trigger difficult episodes.

• Try keeping a journal of your child's behavior. This will help you recognize certain situations or events that might cause an outburst.
• Ask others (teachers, family members, etc) if they have noticed any particular factors that trigger problematic episodes for your child.

​2
Focus on the issues. When your child is having an outburst, take a step back and assess the situation. Part of solving the problem is understanding why it is occurring. Try to understand whether your child is reacting to something specific (such as being denied a privilege) or if she is upset about something else entirely.

• For younger children especially, they might not be able to tell you exactly what is wrong. For example, they might be hungry, cold, or overly tired, and are exhibiting that by crying about the loss of a toy. Pay attention to the external factors that could be affecting your child's moods.

3
Choose your battles. Maybe you are fighting every evening about your child's bedtime. Clearly, you need to be the boss, but take a step back and figure out if there is a way to negotiate with your child. If your child is older (around nine or 12 years old), you might realize that letting your child stay up for an extra 15 minutes each night is an easy solution. He will feel more independent, and you will have some peace.  For younger children, you might offer him a choice, such as, "You can choose to go to bed now with a bedtime story, or you can choose to go to bed in 5 minutes with no bedtime story."

• Notice the things that you and your child are fighting over. If you find yourself repeatedly having the same disagreement, focus on fixing that one situation. Solving that conflict might ease other tensions in your relationship.

4
Be sensitive. Remember that as children develop, they are dealing with a lot of changes and emotions. Unfortunately, they are not always successful in articulating their frustrations, and they end up acting out. Try to be kind and sensitive when dealing with them.

• Being kind does not mean that you have to give in to your child's every desire. You can be firm, yet gentle and understanding. Express your rules logically and without yelling.

​5
Set boundaries. Structure is good for children. Setting boundaries for difficult children can help them learn to behave in a more appropriate manner. Make sure that your child understands your household rules, and knows her responsibilities.

• Clearly communicate rules to your child. If she is very young, you might have to repeat yourself every day. For example, you might find yourself saying at every meal, "No, Stacey, it is not okay to throw food."
• If your child is a bit older, try making a rule or chore chart. Being able to visualize responsibilities can help your child retain them. Hopefully, having boundaries will help you avoid future conflicts.
• You should also have boundaries for communicating during conflicts. Make sure your child knows that you will not tolerate screaming or any destructive behavior. Make that clear before, during, and after the conflict.

Method2
Staying Calm

1
Change your perspective. When dealing with a difficult child, it is completely normal to feel frustrated and angry. Take a moment to step back and remember that it is typical for children to go through difficult phases. You might need to change your perspective. Try to figure out ways to change your reaction, instead of constantly trying to change your child's behavior.

• Part of your frustration might actually be that you are upset that you are unable to remain calm. Try to learn ways to manage your anger. You might try counting to ten, or saying your next words inside your head before you say them out loud.
• This does not mean that you should stop trying to improve your child's behavior. It simply means that you are also part of the equation, and your reactions might need to be changed, too.

2
Take a deep breath. When you are having a conflict with a child, it is very important that you stay calm. Remember, you are the one who is in charge. It is up to you to set a good example.

• Try to find a calming technique that works for you. Often, taking deep calming breaths is a great way to calm down during an argument. Take deep, slow breaths, until you find your heart rate slowing down a bit.

​3
Focus on the positives. During a conflict, it can be difficult to think about anything other than the negative attributes of a child. Try to remember that everyone has positive qualities. Focus on thinking about things that your child does well.

• When you are having a conflict with your child, try to think of one thing you really love about her. Is she normally very affectionate? Is she doing well in school? Focus on that trait, and you will feel calmer and more capable of dealing with the situation.

​4
Don't overreact. It can be difficult to keep your anger and frustration from reaching the boiling point. However, try to remember that this is just a conflict — you will both move on. Try not to let previous issues or external factors influence your reactions.

• When trying to keep your emotions in check, try to focus clearly on the situation at hand. Is it really worth it to blow up because your child threw a fit? Probably not. Try to keep calm and find a way to keep the problem from reoccurring.

Method3
Finding a Solution

​1
Provide feedback. One way to help a difficult child learn better behavior is to consistently provide feedback. By letting the child know what is and is not appropriate, you are helping to teach him ways to improve. Make sure that you are consistent in your reactions to certain behaviors or actions.

• Provide social feedback. Let your child know how you feel by offering verbal praise or corrections. For example, you might say, "Thank you for remaining calm today, Tim. I know it was disappointing that it rained and you couldn't go to the park."
• Provide concrete feedback. It can be useful to visually measure your difficult child's behavior. One way is to try a points system. For example, you could make a chart and post points every time your child does something positive (like cleaning her room without being asked). You can detract points for negative behavior. Visualizing the impact of her behavior can help your child learn the benefits of more positive actions.

​2
Try some time apart. If you and your child are continuously experiencing conflict, you might need a little space. Taking a brief time-out can give both you and your child the time needed to calm down and reflect. Some space can go a long way towards solving problems.

• Ask a close friend or relative to watch your child while you take some time for yourself. It can be emotionally draining to handle a difficult child, so try to take some time each week to do something for yourself. Go to a movie or have dinner with a friend.

3
Consider contributing factors. You should consider whether your child is being difficult for a very specific reason. For example, maybe he is not getting enough sleep and is reacting by being difficult. A solution could be that you adjust your child's schedule and make sure that he gets the right amount of rest.

• There are many other factors that could impact your child's behavior. For example, maybe he is dealing with a health issue that you don't know about. Watch for any signs of physical discomfort, including lack of appetite or change in energy level.

4
Involve people you trust. Remember that you are not alone. Hopefully, you have family and friends who can help you deal with this frustrating situation. Don't be afraid to ask someone you trust for advice.

• Your friends and family can help in a couple of different ways. They might be able to communicate well with your child, and you can enlist their help in solving the problem. They might also just be willing to take care of your child for an evening, giving you a much needed break.

5
Seek professional help. Sometimes your child might need some help that you simply cannot provide. If your child's behavior seems beyond simple acting out, and has been going on for a while, it might be time to contact a mental health specialist. Many therapists specialize in treating youths, and can help you find a way to help your child.

• Ask your family doctor to recommend a therapist he trusts.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is no shame in helping your child live the best life he can.

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Parental abuse by children ​
​From Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaAbuse of parents by their children, also known as child-to-parent violence (CPV), is a form of domestic violence, and is one of the most under-reported and under-researched subject areas in the field of psychology. Parents are quite often subject to levels of childhood aggression in excess of normal childhood aggressive outbursts, typically in the form of verbal or physical abuse. Parents feel a sense of shame and humiliation to have that problem, so they rarely seek help.

‘Parent abuse’ has been defined by Cottrell (2001, p. 3) as ‘any harmful act of a teenage child intended to gain power and control over a parent. The abuse can be physical, psychological, or financial.’ Though this type of abuse often takes places during the teen years (often from 12 to 17), it can happen earlier than that. There's been some reports of children younger than 10 years old. 'The effects of experiencing abuse from one's child can be profound. In the short term, ongoing parent abuse has been found to impact on a parent's and other family members’ physical and psychological health, with specific negative emotions such as fear, shame, guilt and despair commonly reported (Cottrell & Monk, 2004).
​
The causes are yet to be properly studied, as there's still very little research on that, but three main variables have been suggested as possible contributors to child to parent abuse: the presence of a mental health condition, attachment difficulties (which might or might not be related to a mental health issue) and/or previous experiences of abuse. The assumption that a child is abusive because they have suffered some form of abuse in first place goes against some of the evidence which shows this isn't true in many cases. Some abusive children have had very normal and adequate upbringing from loving and caring parents. As Declan Coogan says in his book Child to Parent Violence and Abuse - Family Interventions with Non-Violent Resistance, "...being violent because of violence exposure is a simple common-sense explanation, which is preferred by most because it fits the society norms for understanding people's behavior." Finally, it's a really complex phenomenon which may derive not only from individualized issues, but also from structural societal and cultural factors.

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​Get Help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline
Get help

The resources on this page are free and confidential. Find support, guidance, and help if you have been abused in any way.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline

• Call 800-799-SAFE (7233).
• Staff is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
• Get information in more than 170 languages.
• You will hear a recording and may have to wait for a short time.
• Hotline staff offer safety planning and crisis help. They can connect you to shelters and services in your area.
• Staff can send out written information on topics such as domestic violence, sexual assault, and the legal system.
• You can also get help through email or live chat on the hotline’s contact page (link is external).

The National Dating Abuse Helpline

• Call 866-331-9474 or 866-331-8453 (TDD).
• Staff is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
• You will hear a recording and may have to wait for a short time.
• You can get help through a live online chat from 5 p.m. to 3 a.m. ET. Learn more about the National Dating Abuse Helpline live chat.
• You can also chat with helpline staff via email or text “loveis” to 22522.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline

• Call 800-656-4673.
• Staff is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
• You will hear a recording that asks whether you prefer English or Spanish and whether you want to talk to a hotline staff member.
• You can get live online help through the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline in English or Spanish.

This content is provided by the Office on Women's Health.

Syndicated Content Details:
Source URL: https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help
Source Agency: Office on Women's Health (OWH)
Captured Date: 2018-09-13 21:37:00.0

Any Kind of Violence has Effects on ChildrenEffects of domestic violence on childrenMany children exposed to violence in the home are also victims of physical abuse.1 Children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse themselves are at serious risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.2 Children who witness violence between parents may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships. If you are a parent who is experiencing abuse, it can be difficult to know how to protect your child.
What are the short-term effects of domestic violence or abuse on children?Children in homes where one parent is abused may feel fearful and anxious. They may always be on guard, wondering when the next violent event will happen.3 This can cause them to react in different ways, depending on their age:

• Children in preschool. Young children who witness intimate partner violence may start doing things they used to do when they were younger, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, increased crying, and whining. They may also develop difficulty falling or staying asleep; show signs of terror, such as stuttering or hiding; and show signs of severe separation anxiety.
• School-aged children. Children in this age range may feel guilty about the abuse and blame themselves for it. Domestic violence and abuse hurts children’s self-esteem. They may not participate in school activities or get good grades, have fewer friends than others, and get into trouble more often. They also may have a lot of headaches and stomachaches.
• Teens. Teens who witness abuse may act out in negative ways, such as fighting with family members or skipping school. They may also engage in risky behaviors, such as having unprotected sex and using alcohol or drugs. They may have low self-esteem and have trouble making friends. They may start fights or bully others and are more likely to get in trouble with the law. This type of behavior is more common in teen boys who are abused in childhood than in teen girls. Girls are more likely than boys to be withdrawn and to experience depression.4

What are the long-term effects of domestic violence or abuse on children?More than 15 million children in the United States live in homes in which domestic violence has happened at least once.5 These children are at greater risk for repeating the cycle as adults by entering into abusive relationships or becoming abusers themselves. For example, a boy who sees his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse his female partner as an adult. A girl who grows up in a home where her father abuses her mother is more than six times as likely to be sexually abused as a girl who grows up in a non-abusive home.6
Children who witness or are victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse are at higher risk for health problems as adults. These can include mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety. They may also include diabetes, obesity, heart disease, poor self-esteem, and other problems.7
Can children recover from witnessing or experiencing domestic violence or abuse?Each child responds differently to abuse and trauma. Some children are more resilient, and some are more sensitive. How successful a child is at recovering from abuse or trauma depends on several things, including having:8

• A good support system or good relationships with trusted adults
• High self-esteem
• Healthy friendships

Although children will probably never forget what they saw or experienced during the abuse, they can learn healthy ways to deal with their emotions and memories as they mature. The sooner a child gets help, the better his or her chances for becoming a mentally and physically healthy adult.
How can I help my children recover after witnessing or experiencing domestic violence?You can help your children by:

• Helping them feel safe. Children who witness or experience domestic violence need to feel safe.9 Consider whether leaving the abusive relationship might help your child feel safer. Talk to your child about the importance of healthy relationships.
• Talking to them about their fears. Let them know that it’s not their fault or your fault. Learn more about how to listen and talk to your child about domestic violence (PDF, 229 KB).
• Talking to them about healthy relationships. Help them learn from the abusive experience by talking about what healthy relationships are and are not. This will help them know what is healthy when they start romantic relationships of their own.
• Talking to them about boundaries. Let your child know that no one has the right to touch them or make them feel uncomfortable, including family members, teachers, coaches, or other authority figures. Also, explain to your child that he or she doesn’t have the right to touch another person’s body, and if someone tells them to stop, they should do so right away.
• Helping them find a reliable support system. In addition to a parent, this can be a school counselor, a therapist, or another trusted adult who can provide ongoing support. Know that school counselors are required to report domestic violence or abuse if they suspect it.
• Getting them professional help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of talk therapy or counseling that may work best for children who have experienced violence or abuse.10 CBT is especially helpful for children who have anxiety or other mental health problems as a result of the trauma.11 During CBT, a therapist will work with your child to turn negative thoughts into more positive ones. The therapist can also help your child learn healthy ways to cope with stress.12

Your doctor can recommend a mental health professional who works with children who have been exposed to violence or abuse. Many shelters and domestic violence organizations also have support groups for kids.13 These groups can help children by letting them know they are not alone and helping them process their experiences in a nonjudgmental place.14
Is it better to stay in an abusive relationship rather than raise my children as a single parent?Children do best in a safe, stable, loving environment, whether that’s with one parent or two. You may think that your kids won’t be negatively affected by the abuse if they never see it happen. But children can also hear abuse, such as screaming and the sounds of hitting. They can also sense tension and fear. Even if your kids don’t see you being abused, they can be negatively affected by the violence they know is happening.
If you decide to leave an abusive relationship, you may be helping your children feel safer and making them less likely to tolerate abuse as they get older.15 If you decide not to leave, you can still take steps to protect your children and yourself.
How can I make myself and my children safe right now if I’m not ready to leave an abuser?Your safety and the safety of your children are the biggest priorities. If you are not yet ready or willing to leave an abusive relationship, you can take steps to help yourself and your children now, including:16

• Making a safety plan for you and your child
• Listening and talking to your child and letting them know that abuse is not OK and is not their fault
• Reaching out to a domestic violence support person who can help you learn your options

If you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship, you may want to keep quiet about it in front of your children. Young children may not be able to keep a secret from an adult in their life. Children may say something about your plan to leave without realizing it. If it would be unsafe for an abusive partner to know ahead of time you’re planning to leave, talk only to trusted adults about your plan. It’s better for you and your children to be physically safe than for your children to know ahead of time that you will be leaving.
Did we answer your question about the effects of domestic violence on children?For more information about the effects of domestic violence on children, call the OWH Helpline at 1-800-994-9662 or check out the following resources from other organizations:

• About the Issue: What is child abuse? — Fact sheet from the Joyful Heart Foundation.
• Behind Closed Doors: The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children (PDF, 1.8 M) — Publication from the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF).
• Child Abuse — Information from KidsHealth.org.
• Childhood Domestic Violence — Information from the Childhood Domestic Violence Association.
• Help for Families — Information about Temporary Assistance for Needy Families from the Office of Family Assistance.
• Safety for Parents — Information from the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) for parents about getting a child to safety.
• Help for Parents of Children Who Have Been Sexually Abused by Family Members — Information from RAINN.

Sources

1. Modi, M.N., Palmer, S., Armstrong, A. (2014). The Role of Violence Against Women Act in Addressing Intimate Partner Violence: A Public Health Issue. Journal of Women’s Health; 23(3): 253-259.
2. Gilbert, L.K., Breiding, M.J., Merrick, M.T., Parks, S.E., Thompson, W.W., Dhingra, S.S., Ford, D.C. (2015). Childhood Adversity and Adult Chronic Disease: An update from ten states and the District of Columbia, 2010. American Journal of Preventive Medicine; 48(3): 345-349.
3. Domestic Violence Roundtable. (n.d.). The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children.
4. Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2014). Domestic Violence and the Child Welfare System. Washington, DC: Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
5. McDonald, R., Jouriles, E.N., Ramisetty-Mikler, S., Caetano, R., Green, C.E. (2006). ). Estimating the Number of American Children Living in Partner-Violent Families. Journal of Family Psychology; 20(1): 137-142.
6. Vargas, L. Cataldo, J., Dickson, S. (2005). Domestic Violence and Children. In G.R. Walz & R.K. Yep (Eds.), VISTAS: Compelling Perspectives on Counseling. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association; 67-69.
7. Monnat, S.M., Chandler, R.F. (2015), Long Term Physical Health Consequences of Adverse Childhood Experiences. The Sociologist Quarterly; 56(4): 723-752.
8. Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2014). Protective Factors Approaches in Child Welfare. Washington, DC: Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
9. National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.). Interventions for Children Exposed to Domestic Violence: Core Principles.  
10. Caffo, E., Belaise, C. (2003). Psychological aspects of traumatic injury in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America; 12(3): 493-535.
11. Deblinger, E., Mannarino, A. P., Cohen, J. A., & Steer, R. A. (2006). A follow-up study of a multisite, randomized, controlled trial for children with sexual abuse-related PTSD symptoms. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry; 45(12): 1474-84. 
12. Kidshealth.org. (2013). Taking Your Child to a Therapist.
13. National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.). Interventions for Children Exposed to Domestic Violence: Core Principles.
14. Vargas, L., Cataldo, J., Dickson, S. (2005). Domestic Violence and Children. In Walz, G.R., Yep, R.K. (Eds.), VISTAS: Compelling Perspectives on Counseling. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association; 67-69.
15. Center for Domestic Peace. (2016). Calling the Police.
16. Loveisrespect.org (n.d.). I Have Children with My Abuser.

This content is provided by the Office on Women's Health.

Syndicated Content Details:
Source URL: https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/effects-domestic-violence-children
Source Agency: Office on Women's Health (OWH)
Captured Date: 2018-09-13 21:23:00.0

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​Some Children May Commit Suicide